This discussion is carefully designed to infuriate as many people as possible. Since all statements here agree with reality it undoubtedly will. Even worse the statements have been mathematically proven to be correct. These proofs cannot be given in this short space but are easily available in books. As this column does not allow references the books' author must remain anonymous. We start then with the most popular subject of modern "physics". String theory is designed to solve the problems caused by point particles. However there is nothing in any formalism that even hints at particles, let alone point particles. Where did this idea of particles come from? Could it really be that thousands of physicists are wasting their careers to solve the problems caused by particles with not a single one even noticing that there are none? Don't dots on screens in double-slit experiments show that objects are points? Obviously not, they are consequences of conservation of energy. Moreover there are no problems. There are infinities in intermediate steps of a particular approximation scheme, but they are all gone by the end. With a different scheme the idea of infinities would never have arisen. The laws of physics are not determined by physicists' favorite approximation method. But these are not the real problems. What could be worse? String theory requires that the dimension be 10 or 11, in slight disagreement with reality. If predictions of your theory do not agree with experiment just say that it is not yet able to make any, while the ones it does make are carefully ignored. It has long been known that physics (a universe) is impossible in any dimension but 3+1. Why? Coordinate rotations give wavefunction transformations. If the wavefunction gives spin up along an axis it must be transformed to one giving it at some angle to a different axis. Coordinates being real are transform by orthogonal (rotation) groups; wavefunctions being complex require unitary groups. These groups must be homomorphic. They are not as shown by counting the numbers of generators and of commuting ones. Fortunately there is one exception, else there could be no universe: dimension 3+1. Why 3+1, not 4? The rotation group in 4 dimensions, SO(4), is unique in splitting into two independent SO(3) groups. It is not simple, only semisimple; SO(3,1) is simple. Whether God wants it or not the dimension must be 3+1. It is mathematics that is omnipotent. God, Nature and we, and even string theorists, must do what mathematics wants: accept dimension 3+1. Thus string theory is a mathematically impossible theory, in violent disagreement with experiment, designed to solve the terrible nonexistent problems caused by nonexistent particles. Perhaps that is why "physicists" are so enthusiastic about it. Next is the object that billions of dollars are being spent looking for: the nonexistent Higgs. There has been much interest in gauge transformations and in trying to extend them. These are the form that Poincar‚ transformations take for massless objects, and only these. This is trivial. Consider a photon and an electron with parallel momenta and spins along their momenta. We transform leaving the momenta unchanged but the spin of the electron is no longer along its momentum. The spin of the photon is unchanged (electromagnetism is transverse). Despite the opinion of physicists to the contrary this is required not by God but (omnipotent) mathematics, the Poincar‚ group. Here are transformations acting on the electron but not the photon, which cannot be. What are these? Obviously gauge transformations. So massless objects --- only --- have gauge transformations. The belief in Higgs bosons comes from the wish that all objects be invariant under gauge transformations, strongly disagreeing with experiment. However physicists are so enthusiastic about gauge transformations they try to apply them to massive objects. There are reasons for the laws of physics, like geometry and group theory, but these do not include physicists' emotional reactions. So all objects are massless. Nature does not agree. Physicists believe that if their theories do not agree with Nature, then Nature must be revised. Instead of giving that belief up it is kept --- physicists are emotionally attached to it --- and a new field, that of Higgs bosons, is introduced to give objects mass. This is like saying that since orbital angular momentum has integer values all angular momentum has. Since this is not true a new field is introduced to produce half-integer values. That would make no sense and neither do Higgs bosons. This introduces a new particle designed to make Nature agree with physicists, and also a force to make objects massive, which should have other effects and should show up elsewhere. This introduces (at least) two unnecessary, unsupported assumptions. Occam would be very upset. Actually if he knew what is going on in modern "physics" he would be furious. There are no Higgs. Why isn't there a cosmological constant? It sets a function (the left side of Einstein's equation) equal to a constant which is like saying that x^3 + 5x = 7 for all values of x. The cosmological constant must be 0, unfortunately. With one gravity would have a fascinating property: a wave would be detected an infinitely long time before being emitted. Let us quantize gravity, replacing a quantum theory with wild assumptions. Why must general relativity be the theory of gravity, thus the quantum theory of gravity? It is required by geometry (the Poincar‚ group) being its only massless helicity-2 representation. It is a quantum theory (consistent) not classical (inconsistent), having a wavefunction and uncertainty principles. It is different being necessarily nonlinear. Why don't people like it? Then ${\it times up}$